oh my…
•March 10, 2009 • Leave a Commentthis is a little vulgar and disturbing…but I had to share…
The 6 Strangest Objects People Were Caught Having Sex With
digg_url = ‘http://www.cracked.com/article_17098_6-strangest-objects-people-were-caught-having-sex-with.html’;
digg_title = ‘The 6 Strangest Objects People Were Caught Having Sex With’;
digg_bodytext = ‘That picnic table was begging for it.’;
digg_media = ‘news’;
digg_topic = ‘comedy’;
digg_title = ‘The 6 Strangest Objects People Were Caught Having Sex With’;
digg_bodytext = ‘That picnic table was begging for it.’;
digg_media = ‘news’;
digg_topic = ‘comedy’;
Have you ever walked past a piece of furniture or some other inanimate object and thought, “Hey, that’s got a hole in it. I wonder if I can stick my dick in there…”
If you have, you’re not alone. Either due to bizarre sexual fetishes or just plain boredom, men have gotten caught screwing anything and everything. Some of which don’t even seem possible. Take for instance…
#6.
A Picnic Table
It says something about relations between the UK and America when the Telegraph publishes the headline: “American Caught Having Sex With Picnic Table.” Seriously, does it matter where the guy was from? So what if one guy’s pursuit of happiness took the form of sticking his schlong inside the umbrella hole of a picnic table. Do not such things transcend borders?
After all, isn’t this the sort of thing that could happen to anybody? Maybe a girl had been there just moments ago, and rolled away at the last minute. Maybe it was dark.
These would all be reasonable suppositions if the story didn’t say that the guy boned the picnic table on four separate occasions, and for hours on end. How do we know that? This would be thanks to the neighbor who secretly taped it each time … also for hours on end.
Now, filming it the first time is understandable. You just want to have evidence for when the cops say, “There is no way some guy is fucking a table.” But somewhere after the second time, the overall impression you givr off goes from “disgusted” to “intrigued” to “DAMMIT IT’S ALMOST MIDNIGHT! WHERE ARE YOU, YOU TABLE DEFILING STALLION! LOOK AT IT, JUST BEGGING FOR YOUR MIGHTY LANCE OF FLESH!”
“If my dick was a carpenter, this is the table it would design.”
But eventually the neighbor did turn the tapes over to the police, who arrested the perpetrator and presumably drew straws over which poor bastard was going to watch the hours of evidence. The man was charged with felony counts of public indecency because his frolic with the world’s most vulnerable four-legged beast happened near an elementary school.
We’re guessing this made for some long, awkward conversations between fourth graders and their parents.
#5.
Street Signs
A Sioux Falls, South Dakota man was arrested when a neighbor came home and had the following thought train barrel down the center of his mind, “Hmm, there appears to be a 60-year-old man in my backyard in a trench coat and panty hose, holding a camcorder. Perhaps he’s a pervert.”
After the man was arrested, police found hours of tape that were kind of like that haunted video from The Ring, only instead of killing you, it just permanently negates the possibility of an erection for the remainder of your adult life. Police say the tapes included two years’ worth of the man defiling street signs.
Two goddamn years. And that’s just the ones he was taping, who knows how many street signs he fucked and got away with it. This proves once and for all the forensics and crime scene work you see on CSI is a big load of bullshit.
The man’s escapades didn’t end there, either. His collection included video of himself in an all leather S&M outfit while grinding against a door frame, instantly making it twice as awkward as any other S&M film ever made.
By the way, this is the guy we’re talking about.
There was also video of him masturbating in front of traffic while wearing a mask, waving a gun at people while naked and digging a hole to literally fuck the ground. That has to be the pinnacle of messed up boning, right? Screwing the earth itself? Well we can say that he’s not the first guy to get caught doing it, so maybe it’s a thing. Who are we to judge?
#4.
A Bicycle
A man from southwest Scotland apparently decided, while looking at his bike, that he wanted to ride it all night long, and in ways that would make Lance Armstrong weep tears of pure terror.
This, presumably, was not a problem for anyone until the night that two cleaning ladies for a local hostel walked in on a sight far more horrifying than anything Eli Roth could come up with: The 51-year-old Scottish man, with trou fully dropped, was “riding” a bike in a way that God never intended.
It has 10 speeds, all of them are sexy as hell.
Oh, and did we mention that he stopped, knowing he was caught in one of the most awkward situations ever, acknowledged the cleaners in the room, and then continued gettin’ it on? Whether that is dedication, determination or retardation, it was probably backed with the thoughts and hopes that today would be the day he would get lucky and finally have that M-F-F-Bike orgy he always longed for.
It didn’t take long for them to call the cops, who booked his ass on charges of sexual breach of the peace, which we assume is Europe-speak for making everyone at the station say “What the Fuck?” and “Holy shit eww!” He ended up pulling a page out of the celebrity “I fucked up big time” book and chalked it up to alcohol instead of that funny feeling he got in his pants when he saw a tricycle when he was a child.
In fairness, this bike is totally asking for it.
The man’s little Tour de France got him three years probation and placement on the sex offenders list, presumably with the note “fucked bike” next to it.
3.
A Lamp Post
So, imagine you are walking innocently down the street on an usually nice day in February. It’s a few days after Valentine’s Day and you still have warm, fuzzy feelings of love and tenderness skipping through your chest. Yes life is full of sunshine and rainbows. Nothing can ruin your day … right up to the moment you run into an extremely naked man grinding a lamp post like the strip show from Hell itself.
Congratulations, you now know exactly how those school children and young women felt when they encountered this exact scenario in Wiltshire, England.
“Noone will ever believe me.”
The nameless 32-year-old man, whose identity is being protected for reasons we are unsure of (other than to not be called a “lamposexual” in public) was soon arrested for “suspicion of outraging public decency.” Suspicion? Really? Even with eye witnesses? Now we are curious to find out how much more detective work it would take to get a conviction on publicly boning a street lamp.
We would also like to take this opportunity to point out how England is dominating this list. Kind of adds a whole new layer to that Telegraph headline from earlier. “Extra! Extra! It’s an American fucking an inanimate object this time!”
#2.
A Park Bench
Late one night, a certain man was walking around Hong Kong, in the park, lonely and bored. So he did what many of the lonely and bored people on this list did, and found the nearest thing with a hole in it to fuck. Then he saw it: a park bench, with holes in it. And then he made the fateful decision to have bit of the old in and out with it. What’s the harm?
This is the harm:
Yes, that video is totally accurate, his penis got stuck in the bench. His ill-advised boning adventure soon led to over a dozen emergency personnel attempting to rescue him, while trying to hold in the Nelson Muntz style laughter brewing inside each of them.
The doctors had to use needles to drain blood from the man’s penis but, sadly for Xing, getting stabbed in the dick did nothing to stop the swelling and loosen things up, so the rescuers had to cut away the part of the bench that he was stuck to, and shipped him off by ambulance, where it took doctors a painfully long four hours to remove the sheet of metal from Le’s dong, which he almost lost.
“Ew, gross, not her. I want what’s under her. Hell yeah.”
So, yeah, from beginning to end that whole thing was one big Worst Case Scenario. All because of a single, momentary, horny lapse of judgment. You’d think that would scare people of inanimate object sex forever, but there’s at least one guy we’re pretty sure is still going strong. His name is Edward Smith and he has sex with…
#1.
Cars
Edward Smith’s love of cars didn’t translate into a nice collection of rare vehicles, or a career as a mechanic. Oh, no, he’s on this list because he wanted to express his love in a different way. Awww yeah.
Edward is one of a tiny number of people who are called mechaniphiliacs (only about 500 of them, as far as we know), and it’s just what it sounds like. These are people that treat car washes like late night Cinemax movies, except instead of naughty inmates at an all-girls prison, it’s seeing that dirty slut of a Scion get buffed nice and slow, just how papa likes it.
By Edward’s count, since age 15 he’s made love to around a thousand cars and he doesn’t care who knows it (judging by the fact that he has done TV interviews about it).
Our research hasn’t made it clear exactly how someone has sex with a car. Obviously you’d think of the tailpipe, but that would seem to create difficulties in terms of the positioning, especially for a car built low to the ground. And the car absolutely cannot be mounted while it’s moving, as you’ll see in this set of 30 photos of our attempt to demonstrate this.
[photos removed - Ed]
On top of all that, you’d always have that doubt in the back of you’re mind that you’re accidentally cornholing Optimus Prime.
The last guy you would want to date rape.
Edward’s current fling is a Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, which instantly makes every Herbie the Love Bug movie ever made five times creepier. Other cars he’s gave his mighty meat shaft to include: a 1993 Ford Ranger Splash he called Ginger, Cinnamon the ‘73 Opal GT, and a ‘69 Beetle which we are sure was probably the sluttiest car he’s ever dated.
But cars aren’t the only machine he’s gone all the way with; he claimed in the documentary he totally had a fling with this helicopter one time. It’s here that we’re tempted to call bullshit on the whole thing, but really, why would somebody lie about that?
broke and famous
•March 2, 2009 • 1 Commentso…
Because of the recession…I’ve noticed my social excursions have decreased as a means to save money. As a result…I’ve committed myself to find social activities that are not only cost efficient…but allows me to maintain my…well…um…sanity i suppose. Here is what I’ve done so far:
Alvin Ailey Dance Performance
Cost: $10
before you clown me…I def had great seat…the performace was ok…I mean…they danced…to wade in the water. I was entertained…slightly…but won’t go again…unless I”m trying to impress a chick [snickers]
Fishing
cost $20
so the biggest mistake during this trip…was the trip organizer allowing me to drive the boat. He told me to do it…and in the back of my mind…I was like this is a mistake…needless to say…I hit a bridge pillar…but I glad to report no significant damage to the boat…or the 10 lives on it [chuckles]
House Party
cost $10 [I had to bring food to the event]
It was fun…I’d tell u to look at the pictures on facebook…but a las…all my pictures are private…[hehehehe]
more to come
i’m not scared of lions, and tigers, or bears
•February 28, 2009 • 1 Commentbut marriage…maybe
see…as a guy…I’m supposed to be afraid of marriage because of the whole committment thing…or the fact that i’ll be forced to be with the same chick…like…forever
honestly…that doesn’t bother me…
what does is the fear of being unhappily married. I realized recently that I actually know more unhappily married couples than happily married couples – when you pair that with the divorce rate in America – it makes me a little nervous to think about the day when I say I do…and wonder…will it last forever…and if it does…will I be happy forever?
So I’m not anti marriage per se…I’m def anti unhappily ever after.
so this is what my tax dollars pay for?!
Octopussy needs a handout
•February 11, 2009 • 1 Commenthttp://www.thenadyasulemanfamily.com/
I refuse to support…I’m just posting the link so you can see the tomfoolery
I feel sorry for all californians – as you will be footing her medical bill – however – as a tax payer…I’m paying for her to be on welfare. WAIT…how about she collects disability checks for 2 of her kids who are disabled…do you see the problem
he needs friends like mine
•February 2, 2009 • 4 CommentsRule number 24 in when getting into trouble:
1) Do it in a place where only those around you can supervise your behaviour
2) Do not document any behaviour that would be deemed questionable
3) Don’t let friends document behaviour that is questionable.
Maybe its just me…but my rule of thumb…when getting into trouble…that revolution shant be televised
dummy
…there goes his endorsement deals
…he needs friends like mine…who will hold you down…and make sure tomfoolery wont be televised
happy monday!
Times is hard…
•January 31, 2009 • 2 CommentsEconomy Causes Spike In Sperm, Egg Donor Applicants
DENVER — Doctors believe a tough economy may be boosting business at sperm banks and egg donation centers as Coloradans search for unusual ways to make extra money.
Betsy Cairo, director of CryoGam Colorado, a Loveland sperm bank, said the number of donor applications coming into her office has spiked exponentially over the past few months.
“All last year, we had maybe 150 applicants,” Cairo said. “We had 172 this month.”
Since September, more than 400 applications have come in.
Cairo said it’s not just cash-strapped college students who are applying either.
“We’re getting a wide range of people who apply,” she said.
Cairo chalked it up to the slumping economy.
“When things were really good and [people] were making money faster doing other things, we did not have as many applications,” she said.
Doctors at fertility clinics have also seen a spike in applications from prospective egg donors, albeit a smaller one.
“We have, in the last several months, seen a slight increase in the number of women who have contacted us to volunteer to become egg donors,” said Dr. Eric Surrey with the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine.
Surrey said earning money is part of being an egg donor, but he stressed that applicants should have other motivations for donating.
“This is a process that takes quite some time and involves a rather thorough screening,” Surrey said. “We really want there to be a reason beyond just finance for doing this.”
Surrey said a prospective egg donor must undergo a battery of physical and psychological screenings before being considered and must provide three generations’ worth of family medical history. Once selected there are fertility drug injections, blood tests, ultrasounds, physical exams and a minor surgery to remove the egg.
Egg donors can earn in the ballpark of $10,000 for their time and effort.
Cairo said the process to donate sperm is similarly stringent. Applicants have to fill out a 17-page questionnaire which includes essay questions, pass in-depth physicals, including blood tests, and submit semen samples over several weeks.
It can take more than a month before the process is complete and once an applicant is accepted, the commitment is relatively long-term.
“We ask for a once-a-week commitment for at least six months to a year,” Cairo said.
Cairo would not reveal how much a sperm donor can earn.
Both Cairo and Surrey stressed that despite an influx of applicants, acceptance rates remain low because of their stringent standards.
Surrey estimated that between 10 percent and 15 percent of egg donor applicants are accepted. Cairo said of her 400 applicants since September, only four have been accepted.
Survey Says