Chronicles of Atlanta: 4th of July

I had a great 4th of July weekend! The following will briefly detail the debaucherous nature of this past weekend…a shroud of anonymity will be used throughout this post to protect the innocent:

- Def saw Hancock…it was ok…a big let down if you ask me [Lady Shay...everything I said it would be...it was]

- Def went to the typical bbq on the 4th

- Prior to the bbq…through simple conversation it was discovered that some of the members of the crew had not watched 2 girls 1 cup. Needless to say…they were subjected to watching that iniquity

- We witnessed an almost fight. An almost fight is when a punk is far away enough from their aggressor and begins to talk smack…this person will wait until they are held down by 3 others to then attempt to buck and run up on the person. Honestly…man the eff up. If you going to fight them…just fight…dont talk smack when ur 50 yards away…so ghey!

Now…I’m sure some of you are wondering who comprised of this said crew…now to keep up with Man Code…I cannot divulge that information…but I can describe their who they were based on their actions at the roof top party we attended on Saturday:

Equal Opportunity Employer - No one knew how wild this guy could get. I mean…at first he was just chillin to himself…2 steppin…and of course this guy had the required libations for the evening…however…reggae music started to play…and this persons true character came out…This dude was all over the place…I mean dancing with every chick available: ugly, fine, small, thick, biggums, and yes…even a M.I.L.F. You’d think he’d be ashamed of his actions…but he wasn’t…all were welcome in his eyes…This dude did not discriminate - its a wonder what libations and reggae music could do…

Smooth Operator - This guy….was waaay to cool to dance…in fact…on the way to the lounge…this dude was like…I’m not dancing…I’m just going to chill…But again…reggae music took its toll on this guy [well that...and this guy became socially lubricated]…with this in mind…this person started to dance…but at first kept it at a 2 step…but his swag ensured that his 2 step was a smooth one….he had the necessary throwing up of the hands…but this was limited…because it was cool to dance and hold his drink…like the cliche drink and a 2 step…but I digress…As a result of his necessary coolness…only attractive women would come to him and dance…and as the evening progressed…this person would only approach attractive women…and dance with them….woo them if you will…but would then immediately go back to their 2 step…actually…they went back to their drink and their 2 step…because they were waay too cool for anything else….

Big Booty Ho - This person started off real shy…wall flower if you will…had every intention of not dancing with anyone. However…if you can’t tell already…Social Lubricants and Reggae music will change the average mild mannered individual into…well…in this case…a big booty ho. What do I mean by big booty ho…well…as soon as reggae music started to play…this guy…started dancing…but broke his proverbial dancing cherry with…you guessed it…a big booty ho - some would say thick…others would say biggum…depends on how you saw the situation [or how lubricated you are]. Now dancing should be a word used loosely as that is the last thing you’d guess this person was doing on the dance floor. Because of this persons actions…he not only shocked the crew that he was with [as there may be a picture of this guys shenanigans] but def got the attention of other party attenders…as this was not the only person he danced with….

exactly…oh my…

Ace - This guy…didn’t wait for the reggae music to start [though he did libate] this dude…actually was the first on the floor…and got the party poppin - first dancing by himself…but…as soon as the reggae music started…he was officially on the prowl…its worth noting that as E.O.E danced with a M.I.L.F. - Ace def danced with her daughter at the same time…

Magneto - This guy did not libate - and sincerely had no intention of dancing with anyone. He was there to simply have a good time…and enjoy the moment with the crew. Ironically enough…throughout the evening…this guy was approached by every type of female in the club…wanting to have “conversation” and its even rumored that one attempted to buy him a drank. But like a true gentleman…he declined such offers…but def entertained every conversation from every female that approached him…and trust me…there were many.

Do not ask me who was who…as I must uphold man law…and will not divulge…but it’s worth noting…that although many members of the said crew did properly libate…at no point was a member of the said crew inebriated - a bit loose…may haps…drunk…hex nah…

but I’ll say this…and this only…many of you probably think Doctor is E.O.E [smug grin...with chuckle]

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and if you think this is me…just know…you are absolutely wrong! Trust me…this evening…everyone was out of character…except of Magneto - and that is all I’ll say about that…well I’ll also say…in real life…we are all upstanding respectable gentlemen!

Just know the evening concluded at Waffle House…and we didn’t get home [respectively] until about 6am…

and lastly…the following are quotes said by various members of this crew throughout the weekend:

- “…and then she put her drink to my mouth…and then I took a sip…and I don’t know why”

- “There is a difference between antiperspirant and deodorant”

- “I like my eggs hard and deep”

- “Did anyone peep dude with the leopard head”

- ambiguously gay male to [name redacted], “Sir…can you answer my phone”

- ” Sometimes I wish I had a pretty face…but most times…I’m ok with my current face”

- “I really hoped you wiped from front to back”

- “that’s def a proverbs 7 type of woman”

- “wait…did you really go into the womans bathroom”

- “did you make sure to apply vagisil on that?”

- “You know when you have a steady stream of pee things can swim up going against the current…you know…like salmon”

good times

feminine swagger

So after posting yesterdays post I had a conversation with one of my readers who asked me [more or less] do women have swagger?

simple answer: yes

Now - the word swagger to me has masculine implicaitons…like when one looks at the definition of Swagger:

1.	to walk or strut with a defiant or insolent air.

This is man…hear him roar!

Guys - listen to the words coming out of my mouth…women love to see a dude carry himself with defiance - have an aura of arrogance…they love it! They eat it up…learn it…live it…execute it…and you my friend can be the next Jay-Z that bags a Beyonce - or the next Biggie that bags a Faith Evans

Yes…we know that Biggie looked like he ran head first into a wall…but again…he pulled Faith Evans…and she had his baby…may haps his swag was on point…

back on point…

You then can’t throw the adjective feminine before swagger - as it would be reminiscent of the phrase feminine odor. Accordingly I define women with swagger with one word…now…this is an original thought…as such…when you steal (as I’m sure you will) I need to be cited accordingly (APA format would suffice):

Cadence

keyd-ns

1.	rhythmic flow of a sequence of sounds or words

2.	(in free verse) a rhythmic pattern that is nonmetrically structured.

3.	the beat, rate, or measure of any rhythmic movement

4. Balanced, rhythmic flow, as of poetry or oratory

or…as said by Wikipedia:

Cadences give phrases a distinctive ending, which can, for example, indicate to the listener whether the piece is to be continued or concluded. An analogy can be made with punctuation, with some weaker cadences acting as commas, indicating a pause or momentary rest, while a stronger cadence will then act as the period, indicating the end of the phrase or musical sentence. Cadences are called “weak” or “strong” the more or less final the sensation they create.

Now tell me that doesn’t sound sexy!!! examine this please:

Cadences are called “weak” or “strong” the more or less final the sensation they create.

yesssssssssssssssssssss gawd!

Just like how swag can be easily seen in a mans walk…the same can be said with a womans walk. A woman with cadence strong cadence will always walk as if there is a drum line behind her…

If you want to see a woman with cadence in action - go out on a friday night - to a club - lounge - where ever people are dressed and ready for a night out- and stand outside and watch people walk by on the street.

Women with cadence usually have a slight bounce to their walk [that jiggle] - their hips say from side to side. She usually knows she’s being watched…so she’ll look to her left or to her right occasionally - to pretend that she isn’t being noticed…or will go through her purse and get her phone to talk on it. But she knows that eyes are on her…why…because she knows she is the business…and she is ok with it. This woman will do the occasional hair fix - whether its a toss of the hair from the shoulder, a head snap, or a hair pat [for the natural sistahs].

A man with swagger will notice this…and will wait for some simpleton to yell - ay! long hair, red shoes, ay shaw, c cup, jacked teeth…to see her response. You see…a woman with cadence will flat out ignore such tomfoolery, simply roll her eyes, so on - thus solidifying her status of being a woman with cadence. She usually does this without missing a beat. Now…a woman who responds to such tomfoolery will be branded as a bird, and subsequently will be treated as one.

Just so that you know - there are three classifications of birds:

* Pigeons -feminine derivative of scrub

* Ducks - ugly girls

* Chickens - classic jump off material

but I digress…

The Jiggle

The jiggle…refers to a womans ability to be self aware of herself, more specific her assets. As such, this woman usually dresses well…with out exposing her assets…as her walk will ensure that her attributes are not only advertised…but noted. This means 2 things:

1) A woman with Cadence is confident in who she is…and what she has.

2) A woman with Cadence dresses as if she is an appetizer - only revealing a small part of her self in order to stimulate ones desire to eat - because the reality of the situation…if you put it all out there for us…you are now a buffet - just another meal laid out on a table - that I and others will help themselves too [cough] jump off [cough]

In essence - as I said earlier…a woman with cadence will walk as if there is a band behind her playing let me clear my throat. This is all rooted in her confidence within herself, and what she has to offer. A woman with zero cadence walks as if the band behind her is playing the flight of the bumble bees. I promise you…cadence will turn a fat girl who is a ham hock away from a heart attack into a fine thick girl.

In summary - Confidence begets Cadence begets sexiness begets wifey - the key to all of this is what: confidence. Nothing says sexy than a woman who is confident within herself! Nikki Giovanni says it best: I’m so hip even my errors are correct <– This epitomizes feminine sexiness

A woman with true cadence has the ability to be alluring. Oh…the woman who can allure - can bag any dude. I swear 4 gawd a woman who can charm and entice with veiled [not overt] seduction can have her pick at any man!

[deep sigh]

my God!

The best way I can describe this…is the soothing piano and the enchanting saxophone in Nina Simone’s song I’ve put a spell on you - in fact…I think this song personifies a womans ability to memorize a man through her cadence. Simone’s abrasive voice is well complimented by the piano, saxophone, and melodic bass guitar in the background…this song is sexy as hell…- you people are smart…you can draw the parallels.

So what have we learned:

Confidence + allure + enchantment = Cadence

Cadence = Sexiness

**It’s interesting to note that the center of loci for a woman with cadence is her hips…where as the center of loci for a dude with swagger is his shoulders - i guess our inner barbarian says:

woman: I can birth you babies

Man: I can drag rocks

[shrugs]

Real post

so we all know that I have conversational ADD…so before I get to my point…I must address the following:

- my evening routine is usually as follows: work out at gym, shower, watch tv to unwind, read/pray/something productive, then sleep. So being the predictable person that I am…I did all of that…so when I got to the watch tv part of my routine…I found myself watching my super sweet 16 [insert stuck face] so the theme of the party was dirty south party…so here I’m preparing myself to see some spoiled rich hoodrat princess….no! Far from it…it was a blond haired blue eyed young lady…having a “dirty south” themed party [eye brow raised] but then…it progressively got worse…when I saw the food options at the party [chicken and waffles] only to have Bill Bob say on camera, “chicken and waffles…what better combination - this dirty south pary rocks!” [side eye]

honestly…all they needed was some watermelon and blackface…and this party would have been complete!

but wait…tell me why at the end of the party…blondies mother def gave her a diamond encrusted grill…does anyone see the problem?

its bad enough to have coons set the race back…but blondie?! I was done

but I digress…

So…on Saturday…I found myself watching BET - and they were showing the series Hip-Hop vs America - and I have to admit it was interesting…they were discussing the role of black women in hip-hop…they were making all these good points…video ho’s the demise of hip hop…ethnically ambiguous video chix ruining the notion of black being beautiful. I’m following…I”m agreeing…about to raise my fist with pride…until this statement was made:

“There aren’t any good black men anymore…and this is killing the black community”

it reminded me of commentary I read on the Stuff Black People Blog:

I’m jumping on black women in particular because it’s black women from whom I’m constantly hearing the pervasive argument about black men being cheaters, liars, etc. etc. while claiming that there are no good black men. They complain in spite of the fact that I am ALWAYS seeing good guys getting passed over because of BS dating criteria or the fact that he doesn’t make the girl wet in the pants immediately. It’s akin to turning down lottery winnings because the cash came in a briefcase instead of a big sack with a $ sign on it.

Stuff Black People Hate

I found myself getting angry at the TV…but then I realized…maybe they are right…not only are there not any good black men…I’m not one of them.

So here it is in writing…I’m not a good black man…and I blame my father! You see…my father taught me to value education - and to seek that as opposed to material wealth…my father taught me financial responsibility…you know…this is the same man who taught me the value of a reliable car…and not a flashy car [I bet all them Escalade drivin bammas is blown because of gas prices right now...and I'm chillin in my 95 Stratus...holla!]

[side bar]

I had an argument with someone about cars recently. My argument was simple…cars depreciate after you buy them - why buy brand new and more importantly why buy expensive…it will be worthless in about 2 years - conclusion…buy Japanese [i.e. Toyata or Honda...and it will last you forever] - his argument…honestly was null and void…because you cant argue against that successfully…

Ladies…he is a good black man…but not me…sorry to disappoint

[back on topic]

My father taught me the value of a Windsor knot…in fact…my father taught me only to spend money on quality italian shoes and not Jordans - Italian suits - and nothing from Harold Pener [shivers]. My father taught me to treat and respect women - not to lie, cheat, steal, and live off of one…you know what…my daddy taught me how to cook…

Thanks Daddy!

Unfortunately I’m not shiftless enough to be a good black man…I didn’t slut myself to the top to be a good black man…maybe it’s because I have too many goals and respect to be a good black man. Maybe it’s because I don’t have the height of a basketball player…I mean…I def drank plenty of milk to get past the 6 foot mark…but I stopped at 5 10…

but isn’t this what you want? Like….most black women would describe a good black man as a morally sound dude…yet and still…would rather be with the gun totting thug…and then get upset when dude emotionally destroys your soul…and would rather ignore the decent guy because he lacks “swagger”

Am I bitter? Did someone hurt my feelings recently…no

- a friend of mine believes that I suffer from the “good guy syndrome” in that because I’m a good guy…I feel like every woman is out to turn me out [I'd be ok with this], use me, or will pass me over

mayhaps

Whether its a syndrome or not…the reality of the situation is…it seems that black women aren’t attracted to me…but I can say…I stay be pullin them africans and west indians. Maybe that’s my lot in life…and if that’s the case…I’d be ok with it -

It just sucks to be that black guy who can’t pull black or any ethnically diverse women…[pours some in their honor]

Riddle me this though:

Why is it hard to meet and communicate with some black women. Its like…when you meet them…and attempt to strike a conversation with random black chick…and automatically you get the nigga please vibe…or you need to perform a triple sow kow in order to gain their attention. A bit much if you ask me…

For example…recently I went out…and the black women I would meet were just rude…anti social…or expected you to buy them a drank

…but this west african I met was pleasant…we rapped…good times…and there were no expectations to schuck and jive for her

Moral of story: One womans chump is another womans prince - don’t be bitter when all these chumps get married and live happily ever after…and you find yourself as the old spinster living in a shoe

and before I get the - the Doctor hates black women tirades - I have indeed dated black American women…and I had no problems with them…but overwhelmingly…most black women fit this profile [notice the lack of the word all]

Again…not bitter…just a bit disillusioned

Black Women

before I get to the heart of today’s posting…there are 2 things I must get off of my chest:

- Wanted might have been the sickest movie this summer! Yes I’ve said it…I have seen a majority of all summer blockbusters…and this movie…was not only the business but made me feel like a man! Oh yes it did! It had the right amount of sex appeal, violence, things blowing up, guns, and cars! If you are a man…you must see! If you are a woman…and want a man…go see wanted! If you are a woman…and have a man…you must take him to see wanted!

- Speaking of Wanted…I have to provide commentary on Angelina Jolie - now before I start my rant…I must preface…I am not nor have I ever been an active participant in the swirl…however…Angelina Jolie…can get it! Now…I don’t think she’s attractive…easy on the eyes (lets face it…she’s no Scarlett Johanson) but…I’d let Angelina beat! Like…she’s not attractive…but she is sexy…I can’t explain it…but she is…and lawd hammmercy…Brad Pitt is a lucky man…bcuz I’m sure she be laying the smacketh downeth - I’m sure many readers are going to be like…dude…you just od’d about Angelina - but the truth is…me and every testosterone laden man in America feels the same way about her…I’m just putting it in writing. If you don’t believe me…go see wanted…and look at the reaction of every dude…when Angelina wields that gun like a gun totting thug…lawd she can get it

- speaking of getting it…can I profess my new love:

her name is Lola Ogunnaike

Gawd she’s fine…like I’d put her on a plate and sop her up with a biscuit fine…dark gorgeous skin, well educated, and african - done and done!

For the unlearned: Lola Ogunnaike is an entertainment correspondent for CNN - and potentially the bearer of my babies

I want you to know now that I’m so off topic from what I originally came to do…that this post will be way to long to do that…so I’ll discuss whats on my mind tomorrow

- but while I have your attention:

http://www.vmagazine.com/vamodel_viewprofile.php?model=9182

Click that link…and vote for Adriene - I know her…and I need her to become famous…so she can increase my chances of meeting Lola!!!

Can’t never go away

Did you know that Prince Georges county ranks 4th in the highest reported HIV/AIDS cases in the Nation?! (again…I’m from MOCO)

also

Did you know that 1 in 5 people in this country has the herpes…which means…that we have all met knowingly or unknowingly someone with the herpes

and

1 in 20 people in DC has HIV/AIDS

how bout them apples charlie

before anyone asks…

No I did not watch the BET awards…I don’t believe in tomfoolery - nor do I promote anything that sets blacks back towards slave times*…so I will not be providing any banter or commentary to what happened last night.

* My name is Doctor…and I quietly enjoy Shawty Lo’s music…

happy tuesday

giving your dog a hand job

i cant

no purpose

My weekend was really a blur…nothing really stands out about it…that would make it a good story…so here are some randumb rantings from this past weekend…dont get your hopes up…

- I went back to the waffle house where I meet the toothless Greta…alas she wasn’t there…so I’m am really convinced that she has passed [pours some to Greta's Memory]

- I realize that Waffle house may be my addiction as I went again on Sunday (with Zohan) and it was at this setting that it was shown to me that Zohan is truly a glutton:

Before

Do you know how many african kids with bugs in their eyes with popped bellies this could have fed?

After

Do we see the problem? Please pay special attention to the 5 cups in the background…

And contrary to popular belief…Zohan isn’t obese…he’s a proud glutton. But quietly…I understand his gluttony…when it comes to waffle house…I mean…their food is ji like the business…and I finally did the impossible…found a clean waffle house…

[side bar] it was at this same waffle house that while Zohan tapped into his inner fatman…that the waitress made me freshly squeezed lemon aid…I mean…she took fresh lemons and squeezed them…in order to make me lemon aid because waffle house stopped selling it…

yea…I still got it [brushes dirt of shoulder]

[new side bar] who knew that being of the darker persuasion was the business…man…growing up…I got called all sorts of names because I was black…now…my skin color is the business - all darkies unite!! [end new sidebar]

[ends side bar]

- Get Smart - was funny…but not haha funny…strongly suggest you cop the bootleg

- I had seaweed salad this weekend…and it was the business!!! Japanese food might be on point (well…its on point until they start wrapping crap in eel) eel sushi def get the crucial side eye (but salmon wrapped sushi def gets the Zohan seal of approval)!

- I’m ashamed to admit to the following:

My name is Doctor…and I really like Lil Wayne’s Lollipop

- Speaking of Lollipop…I managed to find the rock version of that song…and it ji cranks (what can I say…I’m a moco kid at heart)

[sidebar again] its a sad day when you need to bring a note to your job excusing your absence because you were attending your childs orientation to college. Its even a sadder day when I have to write this said letter. [end side bar]

- I’ve noticed that single black women in positions of authority are mean unpleasant people…and me no likey

- I really need a part time job…I dont like the idle time I have…I feel like this time could be best spent…making more money…to support many of my habits

- speaking of habits…I know the feeling Christ had when He walked on water. yesterday…June 22, 2008 - I performed the impossible…I made $400 worth of Banana Republic items only $160! That is a miracle of epic proportions [and if you must know...I didn't steal nann one thing]

- Banana Republic = Wife catching apparel

- U send me Swinging a la mint condition is def playing right now on the ipod is def. playing on the ipod - today will end well

but this post couldn’t end with out tomfoolery:

I died at the amature sketch…

happy monday people!

wait…again!

…and the tomfoolery persists…

Teen ‘pregnancy pact’ has 17 girls expecting

Many moms-to-be at Mass. high school are aged 16 or younger

MSNBC News Services

updated 3:41 a.m. ET, Fri., June. 20, 2008

BOSTON - An investigation has been launched into an apparent teenage “pregnancy pact” that has at least 17 high-school girls expecting babies, four times more than last year, including many aged 16 or younger.

A high school health clinic in the city of Gloucester, Mass., became suspicious after seeing a surge in girls seeking pregnancy tests. Local officials said Thursday nearly half of those who became pregnant appear to have entered into a pact to have their babies together over the year.

“Some girls seemed more upset when they weren’t pregnant than when they were,” Gloucester High School principal Joseph Sullivan told Time magazine, which broke news of the pact on its Web site.

Some of the girls reacted to the news they were pregnant with high fives and plans for baby showers, Sullivan said. One of the fathers “is a 24-year-old homeless guy,” Sullivan told the magazine. Others were boys in the school.

Statutory rape charges?
Superintendent Christopher Farmer confirmed the deal to WBZ-TV, saying the girls had “an agreement to get pregnant.”

He said the mothers-to-be are generally “girls who lack self-esteem and have a lack of love in their life.”

Carolyn Kirk, mayor of the port city 30 miles northeast of Boston, said authorities are looking at whether to pursue statutory rape charges. “We’re at the very early stages of wrestling with the complexities of this problem,” she said.

“But we also have to think about the boys. Some of these boys could have their lives changed. They could be in serious, serious trouble even if it was consensual because of their age — not from what the city could do but from what the girls’ families could do,” she told Reuters.

Under Massachusetts law, it is a crime to have sex with anyone under the age of 16.

The ‘Juno’-Jamie Lynn effect?
“At the very least these men should be held responsible for financial support, if not put in jail for statutory rape as the mayor has suggested,” Greg Verga, chairman of the Gloucester School Committee, told Reuters in a telephone interview.

Nationwide, teen pregnancies are showing signs of rising after steadily declining from 1991 to 2005. This trend was highlighted Thursday when Britney Spears’ 17-year-old sister Jamie Lynn, star of Nickelodeon’s popular TV show “Zoey 101,” gave birth to a baby girl, according to People magazine.

“The data seem to be indicating that the declines that we had seen through the 1990s are coming to a close,” said David Landry, a researcher at the Guttmacher Institute, a New York-based nonprofit group focusing on reproductive issues.

Birth rates for teenagers aged 15 to 17 rose by 3 percent in 2006, the first increase since 1991, according to preliminary data released in December by the National Center for Health Statistics.

Landry cautioned against attributing the trend to Hollywood following the recent hit movie “Juno,” in which a teenager gets pregnant and decides to have the baby, and “Knocked Up,” a comedy about a one-night stand.

“The trend emerged before those movies,” he said.

In Gloucester, the 1,200-student school administered 150 pregnancy tests to students in the past academic year. The school forbids the distribution of condoms and other contraception without parental consent — a rule that prompted the school’s doctor and nurse to resign in protest in May.

“But even if we had contraceptives, that pact shows that if they wanted to get pregnant, they will get pregnant. Whether we distribute contraceptives is irrelevant,” said Verga.

so…not only did you make a pact with your friends to get pregnant…but you slept with a homeless man…in order to keep your end of the bargain…she’s not only a donkey…but she lucky the only thing she caught was a pregnancy

she gets a big HEE HAW

but wait…then these heffaz had the nerve to then high 5 each other…when they found out that they all got pregnant…that’s 17 HEE HAWS!

I can’t

Chornicles of Chicken George

the blog I am supposed to write…I cant…because Massa is trippin real hard…